2017 Super Bowl Squares
Introduction As we all know, last week we witnessed the greatest single-game comeback in the history of sports on planet Earth. I know a few of you might think that's hyperbole but I assure you, it's not. As a result, the squares game was a wild and crazy time that none of us could truly enjoy because our guts were being torn out. Nevertheless, Kenzie can attest to the fact that after every quarter I miserably scrawled the winner on my printed out squares chart. What follows will be some quick thoughts of the game ("quick" meaning long-winded and unnecessary) and the winner of each quarter, as well as how I believe the #mattJinx decided the fate of NFL history. Finally, an updated off-season rankings chart. 1st Quarter: 0-0 * About halfway through this first quarter I got the sense that we were going to be scoreless through 1, the seventh time Brady and co. have failed to put up points in the opening period of a Super Bowl. My ears definitely perked up at this point, not like a dog seeing a squirrel...more like a rabbit realizing he's being circled by a hawk...or Falcon. In the immortal words of Han Solo..."You’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon? … It’s the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs." Wait, that's not it. "I got a bad feeling about this..." Yeah, that's the one. * The Silver Lining of this opening quarter was the winner of the 0-0 square: Evil Nate. I texted everyone and everyone was unanimously thrilled at the result, fueling the theory that the only thing up there with winning at Fantasy is seeing our rivals lose. Negative fifty points for Nate. 2nd Quarter: 3-1 * I will admit, I was running through my day at 21-3 wondering what the hell I had done wrong. How was I #MattJinxing the game away? I just couldn’t understand why the Patriots were playing like the Jets and the Falcons were playing like the Patriots. * At one point Kenzie and I both glanced at the coffee table full of water glasses in front of us. “You think I should put those away?” She genuinely thought I was going to flip the table, sending water, smoothie and glass shards flying all over our carpeted apartment. In her defense, she only thought that because I actually did flip a table in 2015 during the Eagles game, sending water, smoothie and shards of glass flying around my carpeted apartment. * As if things couldn't get any worse, Shotti won the second quarter square. The guy is just a winner, plain and simple. Fifty Points for Shotti. 3rd Quarter: 9-8 * Times were tough in the third quarter. Don’t lie to my face and tell me you never lost confidence. The Patriots were being outplayed in every phase of the game on every single play. Drops by the WRs. Julio Jones seemingly doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Freeman running wild on us. Gostkowski missing extra points in a big game AGAIN. Brady throwing touchdowns to the other team. Don’t lie to me. Don’t you dare. If you were still telling everyone “nah they’re gunna win” you’re kind of an ass hole because no logical human being thought they would do what they did. * I have watched this team all year and at 28-3 I just kept saying that I didn’t get it. I wasn’t pissed. I just…I didn’t understand. I knew that this team didn’t suck. My brain literally could not compute, not out of cockiness or Patriot bias but because statistically none of what I was seeing made any kind of sense. Brady's sick mom at her first game of the season. Legacy on the line. Belichick/Patricia/McDaniels on the sidelines. And, sorry Pat, but at one point at the start of the comeback I started shouting "THIS IS THE FALCONS. THIS IS THE FALCONS. LETS GO." I expected a post-credits scene with Goodell opening a vault and the REAL Patriots tied up inside, while NFL-built android Patriots played in the Super Bowl. My theory is they wanted to be down 28-3 so they'd actually feel challenged for once this season. * Mark Wahlberg was seen leaving the game with the Patriots down 28-9 in the 3rd quarter. He later claimed that his son was sick and he had to put family first. Convenient time to come down with an illness. Good thing his son didn’t get sick with the score 28-20. But I’m sure Mark would have put “family first.” * Papa won the third Q square but if his livingroom was anything like mine the last thing he wanted to hear was that he won 50 fake points on a square with his team down a billion in the Super Bowl. 50 points for Papa. * Does #MattJinx have the clutch gene? I will now lay out for you the true firepower of the #MattJinx, after which no one will doubt a.) it's existence or b.) it's status as a super weapon. #MattJinx Saves the Patriots, Writes Super Bowl Story in Advance * All season I have been texting Pat saying "The Falcons are good." Those exact four words. All season he has responded "NO THEY ARE NOT," almost always those exact four words. That's the prologue. Remember this. * Next, many have already seen the infamous conversation that took place the Wednesday before the game, but for those who did not: * What we have here is the rare Pat/Matt Double Jinx, or simply the #MaddenJinx. The #MaddenJinx is when both Pat and Matt combine their Jinx power, usually to accidentally screw themselves over. Often the case when playing Madden, the Jinx is so MADDENing that the name works in reality and fantasy, too. This is a Da Vinci Jinx. So perfect it belongs in a museum. On the one hand, we have me outlining exactly what I don't want to happen, therefore ensuring it will happen (and in the best possible way). Then you have Pat telling us what he wants the most: OT. So of course he got what he wanted in the most excruciating way possible: his team blows the biggest lead ever to cause OT then never touches the ball in the 5th quarter. * Falcons up 21-0. Time for the decoy Jinx. * As a sidenote, not being sentimental with the "we miss you" so don't get it twisted. Definitely harassing each other about something. I'm too lazy to go back now and look. * Anyway, by sending out the #DecoyJinx it opens the door for the real jinx, sort of like a vampire needing to be invited into a house. * For the real jinx, I went with a two-pronged attack. Six months ago I had decided to stop tweeting. This was for a number of reasons. I was getting too distracted at work. I was sick of arguing with idiots about politics during election season. And I didn't want to tweet during football games because I put my foot in my mouth too often. So with all that built up for the big moment, I did what I knew I had to do: I broke the silence on Super Bowl Sunday so I could epically shove my foot down my throat. * This is the strongest weapon of the #MattJinx, the public jinx. By calling the Falcons victory in a public forum, the Patriots were destined to come back and make me look like a shitty fan in front of everyone in the internet. #MattJinx 101. If I truly believe it will happen, it won't. The Falcons did not score again in the Super Bowl after I tweeted this. The Patriots scored on every remaining drive. * For the coup-de-gras: * FINALLY, the Vampire gets invited in. Patrick finally accepts the Falcons are good, thus sealing their fate. Notice how confidently I deny Pat's invitation to watch Patriots SuperFan Prez die on Snapchat. His one chance at reverse-jinxing. At this point I had a pretty good idea that I was destined to be wrong about everything I'd said regarding the talent of the Falcons and the hopelessness of the Patriots. * As a footnote (this at halftime): * Now I know what you're asking: How the fuck can Matt be so wrong all the time and yet somehow still be right? Because if you'll notice I didn't say "The Falcons WILL be held to 10 points." If I did that would fall into #MattJinx territory, guaranteeing the Falcons at least 11 points. That's the #MattJinx difference. I don't like that I influence sports history with every tweet, ill-advised brag, bold prediction, or innocuous text, but this is my burden. 4th Quarter: 8-8 * Down 28-9, I put my head down on Kenzie's lap and she started scratching my back. I was such a broken man. But then the Pats got the ball back, and got the ball back, and got the ball back. And Well, you know the rules. If your team is on a roll you don't move from the spot you're in and everyone keeps doing what they're doing. So Kenzie had to scratch my back for the entire comeback and the OT. Heroes don't all wear capes. Best back scratch of my life. * Four runs for 10 yards. That’s what the Falcons top offense was able to muster with a 25 points lead. Sad! * Can I say something controversial? I don't think the Wilson throw on the goal line was a bad call in SB49. Pats had the box loaded and the offense flanked. Hawks were going to have a tough time running it in. That being said, I am having a really tough time comprehending a shotgun pass up 8 with under 4 to go in Super Bowl 51 in field goal range. RUN THE DAMN BALL AND GET THE FIELD GOAL YOU MORONS! * If a tree falls in the forest but no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise? If David Tyree makes a helmet catch but that’s his last reception in the NFL and the Patriots win two more Super Bowls after that, does anyone other than the Giants' fanbase actually give a shit? * Skillwise, Edelman's catch > Tyree. Tyree's catch was iconic and more meaningful to the drive, I'll give you that. But it was luck and I sort of don't fucking care anymore. And did Super Bowl 46 even happen? * Nate gets 100 points for winning the 4th Q. That nets him 50 for the game. OT: 4-8 * This game was over as soon as it was tied and if you didn't sense that than you don't know anything about momentum. Falcons defense was EXHAUSTED at the end of the 2nd quarter! Imagine another 50 plays on the field after that!? Did they even have real legs at that point or just jello loaded into tubes of skin? * Ladies and gentlemen: Thanks to Zach, I give you the most iconic photograph since the Post-WWII Times Square kiss: * Should this have been the cover of Sports Illustrated? * Speaking of which, Sports Illustrated asked Joe buck if that was the best game he has ever called. His response: “Hell yes.” * James White was the real MVP. Don't @ me. * Goodell was booed so loud. Imagine being such an ass hole and so terrible at your job that thousands upon thousands of people boo you off a stage at the championship game of the league you run? Do whatever you want with your life, as long as you don't put yourself in a position to be booed into oblivion you're doing okay. * Chris wins OT and gets 200 points, putting him in the lead! Off-Season Standings # Chris – 225 # Jared – 120 # Papa – 85 # Zach – 80 # Nate - 80 # Chantel – 57 # Shotti – 50 # Pat – 30 # Commish – 5 # Burns – 0 Our next competition will be March Madness. Can Chris hold his lead? Can Burns score a point? We'll find out in a few weeks. For now, Commish out!